A Question about “Self”

Something disastrous triggered this thought to me today.  It’s not that it’s a big disaster, only a “usual” circumstances in domestic life, a quarrel with my girlfriend.  It is actually quite sometimes, I mean, we did this thing once in a while, and everytime, all end well.

But this time… it triggered something more…deep inside.

Usually, we, men can play nice like they said in the magazines and movies, to listen to the ramblings of our girlfriend.  But most of the time, they are actually not making more sense than a two-year-old baby learning to talk.  So, how can you understand such creature is out of question.  But if you insist, the answer:  you just can’t.  Woman is incompherensible.

I’ve gone through some phases in my life that I actually almost “found” myself.  I’ve gone to meditation retreat, regular meditation session, even in a part of my life, nightly meditation before sleep.  I practiced a martial art, aikido.  I enjoy reading a lot of books.  I met people, from the owner of a very big company in Indonesia, a very creative foreign entrepreneur, up until preman and trashman.  I fought with a drunkard once.  I lost.  I know a thing or two about myself… and I don’t like it to be disturbed too much.

I don’t intend to write in this direction actually.  If you read more, it will be more like a ramblings.  But, I hope (really hope), you and I can get something out of this.

Actually tonight I wonder… what if I lose everything?  This “self” is made of many components.  I am a worker.  What if I lose my job?  I’m a part of a family unit.  What if I lose them?  Will “I” still be the same?  I have a girlfriend (future wife).  What if I lose her?  Do I lose a part of mayself?  I have some assets, money, things, fish, etc…  What if I lose all my possessions?  Am I still the same me?

I should be.

Because tonight, I felt like I can lose all things dear to me, but I won’t lose the real “me”.  Somehow I just felt it.  Somehow I learned to let go of everything.  It became harder to fight with me this way because a man that is prepared to lose everything can’t be threatened by anything, anything at all.  All that is left is one:  Love.  It started by a sense of self-love.  A feeling that I care about my own well-being.  Then followed by a sense that this is a choice I made to also care about something/someone.  I won’t lose someone in my responsibility area, not because I need/want her, but because I want to see her in a better light.  I want to see her grow, to flourish, to strive, to be happy, to be content with herself.  I will do everything in my strength not to make sure I achieve those goals, but just to push a positive aspect, one at a time, eventhough it looks messy right now.  Someday, it will pay off.